So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
