Cold hands, warm shart.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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