Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
