I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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