I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
