Can i not drive my cunt home
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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