I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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