I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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