DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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