just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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