So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
