You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
