Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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