those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
