Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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