I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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