i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
