he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
