I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
