You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Randomize
