So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Even my vagina gasped.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
