you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
