If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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