I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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