yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
