I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
