totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
