I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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