totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
