My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
