You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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