I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
