areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
