I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
