Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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