At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Randomize
