So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
