there's paper in my vomit.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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