He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
