the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
