Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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