Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
