my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
