I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
