we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Drunk is not a location!
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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