The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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