Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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