As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
