Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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