im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
